I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
