ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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