She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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