You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
