We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
