I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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