Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I wish I only lived at night.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
