Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just pee around me
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
