Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
