I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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