2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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