Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
