Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
