You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
