i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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