im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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