"it" just moved
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
