Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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