Yo dont text me then not text me
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
