How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
