I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Less talking, more tequila
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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