omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
