I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
