I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
