i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
