Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
