I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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