I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
