im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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