so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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