So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
