Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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