I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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