Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
