If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
