Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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