Where did you get a picture of my penis
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I want a musical about memes.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
