She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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