dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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