Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Drunk is a universal language darling
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