I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
How does one acquire holy water?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
