I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Randomize
