Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
