You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
