a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
