Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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