dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
