Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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