If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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