totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
