Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
