Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
